You know, I might finally be getting a feel for this holiday. Usually, I watch zombie movies on Christmas (yeah, it’s not my favorite holiday, namely because it lasts like five months). So I got to thinking…why not combine the two a little more fully?

Thus was born my fabulous new Undead Christmas. I even have carols. It should be pretty easy to figure out which words go with which well-known Christmas classic. Great for sing-a-longs and caroling in the snow. I totally dare you.

This…is the Best. Holiday. EVER.


The Twelve Waves of Zombies

In the first wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
A full crate of RPGs

In the second wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs

In the third wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
Three first aid kits
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs

In the fourth wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
Four flamethrowers
Three first aid kits
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs

In the fifth wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
FIVE SHOTGUN SHELLS!
Four flamethrowers
Three first aid kits
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs

In the sixth wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
Six bricks of C4
FIVE SHOTGUN SHELLS!
Four flamethrowers
Three first aid kits
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs

In the seventh wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
Seven new machetes
Six bricks of C4
FIVE SHOTGUN SHELLS!
Four flamethrowers
Three first aid kits
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs

In the eighth wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
Eight cans of baked beans
Seven new machetes
Six bricks of C4
FIVE SHOTGUN SHELLS!
Four flamethrowers
Three first aid kits
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs

In the ninth wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
Nine pressure landmines
Eight cans of baked beans
Seven new machetes
Six bricks of C4
FIVE SHOTGUN SHELLS!
Four flamethrowers
Three first aid kits
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs

In the tenth wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
Ten clips of ammo
Nine pressure landmines
Eight cans of baked beans
Seven new machetes
Six bricks of C4
FIVE SHOTGUN SHELLS!
Four flamethrowers
Three first aid kits
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs

In the eleventh wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
Eleven crucifixes
Ten clips of ammo
Nine pressure landmines
Eight cans of baked beans
Seven new machetes
Six bricks of C4
FIVE SHOTGUN SHELLS!
Four flamethrowers
Three first aid kits
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs

In the twelfth wave of zombies
My true love gave to me
Twelve slower scapegoats
Eleven crucifixes
Ten clips of ammo
Nine pressure landmines
Eight cans of baked beans
Seven new machetes
Six bricks of C4
FIVE SHOTGUN SHELLS!
Four flamethrowers
Three first aid kits
Two handy crowbars
And a full crate of RPGs!

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Up on the Zombie

Up on the housetop, snipers pause
It’s a zombie Santa Claus
Dragging a bag that’s leaking toys
Ignored by undead girls and boys

Ew-ew-ew! What the hell?
Ew-ew-ew! Don’t he smell?
Up on the housetop, snipers fire
Santa’s head goes like a tire

First, should we go out to recon?
Oh, survivors, are they gone?
All those toys just out of reach
Maybe there’s one for us each

Ew-ew-ew! What the hell?
Ew-ew-ew! What’s that smell?
Up on the housetop, snipers wait
See if we will take the bait

Next we have to form a plan
Who will go out? Who’s our man?
No one wants to, too much fear
Screw those presents! Where’s the beer?

Ew-ew-ew! What the hell?
Ew-ew-ew! Zombies smell!
Up on the housetop, snipers cheer
They shot Santa in the ear


Carol of the Zombies

Zombies are here
Spreading the fear
All night and day
Run, run away

Guts, blood and gore
Oh, what a bore
Ammo is gone
Winter is long

Sit ’round the fire
Ghouls never tire
Beer is our friend
Cheer without end

Shotguns at hand
For every man
Aim for the head
Then, they stay dead

Shoot every last zombie
‘Til they’re all down
And stay in the ground
Very very very very messy
Very very very very messy

Just wait ’em out
Just let ’em shout
We will survive
We’re still alive

All night and day
Run, run away
Guts, blood and gore
Oh, what a bore

Sit ’round the fire
Ghouls never tire
Beer is our friend
Cheer without end

Shotguns at hand
For every man
Oh, how they blow
When their heads go

Shoot every last zombie
‘Til they’re all down
And stay in the ground
Very very very very messy
Very very very very messy

Zombies are here
Spreading the fear
Aim for the head
Then, they stay dead

Ewwww…..


The Zombie Song

Zombies roasting on an open pyre
Undead nipping at your toes
Ghoulies moan with their eyes all a-glow
Happy hunting
Haaaappy hunting
Haaaaaappy hunting…toooooo…yooooouuuu


We Wish You a Zombie Christmas

We wish you a loaded shotgun
We wish you a loaded shotgun
We wish you a loaded shotgun
And a whole case of beer

Good hunting we hope
For you and your kin
Good hunting of zombies
And American beer

We wish you some high explosive
We wish you a bag of ANFO
We wish you a brick of C4
And a full keg of beeeeerrrrr!


Jingle Zombies

Dashing through the streets
With undead at my back
I fear I won’t survive
This first zombie attack

I can’t stop to reload
My shotgun’s blown its wad
I’m fresh out of explosives and
My machete’s whopper-jawed

Ooooohhhh….

Rotting corpse
Rotting corpse
Undead on the way
Oh, what fun it is to shoot
A zombie from a sleigh, hey!

Rotting corpse
Rotting corpse
Ghoulies in the snow
One looks just like Auntie Ruth
And one like Uncle Joe

I headed for the church
Dropping weapons as I ran
And just when all was lost
I saw a speeding van

It was my best friend, Dave
As drunk as hell and pissed
He plowed down twenty ghouls, then cried
“I can’t believe I missed!”

Oooohhhh…

Rotting corpse
Rotting corpse
Undead on the way
Oh, what fun it is to shoot
A zombie from a sleigh, hey!

Rotting corpse
Rotting corpse
Ghoulies in the snow
One looks just like Auntie Ruth
And one like Uncle Joe


Rockin Around the Zombie Tree

Rockin around the zombie pyre
At the undead roasting fest
Zombies as far as you can see
Hope you wore your orange vest

Rockin around the zombie pyre
Pile ’em high as you can throw
Later we’ll have a keg of beer
‘N piss our names into the snow


Zombie Bells

Zombies moaning
Undead groaning
It’s the end of the world
In the air there’s a smell of flesh burning

People screaming
Zombies teeming
It’s a meat smorgasbord
And from every street corner we shout

Kill ’em all
Kill ’em all
It’s hunting time ‘cross the nation
Shoot ’em down
Salt the ground
Soon they will stay in their graves

 


Let it Zombie

Oh, the zombies outside are frightful
But the fortress is delightful
And since it’s our brand new home
Let ’em moan
Let ’em moan
Let ’em moan!

Oh, they show no signs of dropping
But their heads will soon be popping
As soon as I switch ammo
Let ’em moan
Let ’em moan
Let ’em moan!

When they’re finally blown to bits
How I hate to go out in the gore
But as long as we have some Schlitz
Nobody here will be bored

Oh, the whiners have stopped their crying
But the ghoulies just aren’t dying
So since I’m tired to the bone
Let ’em moan
Let ’em moan
Let ’em moan!


Silver and Zombies

Zombies and ghouls
Zombies and ghouls
Everyone’s hunting for zombies and ghouls
How do you know when it’s dead?
Just to be safe, you should blow off its head

Zombies and ghouls
Zombies and ghouls
Run when they’re coming your way
Load up on shotguns and torches
And shoot every corpse you see

 


Rodolph the Zombie-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the Zombie Reindeer
Had a very rotten nose
I often like to shoot it
Just to see how far it blows

All of the local children
Used to poke at him with flames
But then the undead Rudolph
Munched upon their puny brains

Then one stinky summer’s eve
Hunters came to play
Rudolph with his corpse so rank
Got run over by a tank

Now the few local children
Know that zombies aren’t for fun
They learned a valuable lesson
Never be withooouuuut aaaaaa guuuuuuuun!


Have a very Merry Undead Christmas, and may Santa bring you all the ammo you can carry.

4 Responses to “Undead Christmas Lyrics”

  1. Jim Says:

    uhhh, I don’t think the Little Red-Haired Girl will be able to use these lovely lyrics in her Middle School music classes. darn. However, they are perfect for our family’s Christmas.

  2. Bob Scruggs Says:

    From the funny papers:
    Pogo and friends:
    Deck us all in Boston Charlie,
    Walla Walla Wash and Kalamazoo!
    Nora’s Freezing on the Trolley,
    Swaller Dollar Cauliflower
    Alligaroo

  3. Bob Scruggs Says:

    Your writing of Care and Feeding of a Male Prostitute is lampooning the extremely conservative book which was recommended to me by a friend who was serious. I bought it and gave it to my wife without reading it. She whopped me up side the head with it!

    You have a gift! Go, Charlie, Go!


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